At the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) yesterday, Donald Trump reassured worried investors that the federal agency has enough test kits for every stock. He stated the CDC will test every company’s balance sheet to ensure liquidity and long-term health.

Trump said, “A few stocks are not doing well. Some of them may not make it, but we have them quarantined. We told them they better get it together or they’re going to be delisted from the exchange. The CDC can’t believe how much I know about this. My super-genius uncle actually started the stock market at MIT.”

Trump added, “Imagine if we had windmills blowing the virus all over the place. We’d be down 80%. Greta got the cover. It should be me. Then they give the award to Parasite? What ever happened to the foreign film award? No, seriously. A coal miner comes up to me with tears in his eyes, and he says, ‘Sir, my wife was going to leave me because this coronavirus thing is killing my stocks. But she said that you’re going to save the stock market, so she isn’t going to divorce, Sir.’ Is that love or what? No, really. Can you believe it?”

A reporter stated that scientists predict the coronavirus could kill millions of people. Trump replied, “If it’s killing millions of dollars, we’ll put put in stops. We have no choice. Congress gave me $8 billion, so I’m using it to buy the dips. It’s called Article 2, folks. I can do whatever the hell I want. I never talk about it, but it’s true. Nobody’s 401K will die because stocks are going back up. Check out stocks like Gilead and Zoom. They’re really fantastic stocks–some would say perfect, like my phone call.”

Trump said that Dr. Anthony Fauci, the head of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases, will be in charge of monitoring the health of large cap stocks. “Fauci told me that Exxon’s stock is very sick. I told him to buy shares. The stock was down like 20%, so I called Jerome Powell at the Fed and I said you have to lower. Exxon needs lower rates to get better. And now it’s going up, and I think pretty soon people’s portfolios will be safe and everyone can go back to their money.”

Trump added, “Has anyone seen Jay Inslee’s portfolio? It’s a joke. The guy bought Tesla at $900, okay?” Trump reminded reporters he’s donating his presidential salary this month to CEO Tim Apple to help him buy back shares. Trump said he will continue to monitor the health of the stock market from Mar-a-Lago.